so, i think i'll play my relationships a little more careful from now on. keep getting burned and im starting to get sick of it. i have always said "i love you" first, have always gotten attached. ok not always attached. the only relationships i have truly been attached to are ashleigh, belinda, and linda. ashleigh because i put so much time and effort into it, belinda because she was able to hold me together when i felt apart after ashleigh, and linda because she reminded me how to feel again for real. i know i really felt something because of how i was after. after the 1st, i felt hollow and couldnt eat or drink for over a week, it wasn't till her mom and her called the cops telling them i was threatening to kill myself and inadvertently put my family in danger that i decided she was toxic and turned all that self hate, regret, sadness, and pain against her, i havn't turned it off since. i forgave her for so much when i was with her, and i could have time and time again, but as soon as my family in brought into something, put in any danger, then so help me i could never forgive someone for that. as i have never forgiven myself for it. from that point till now, i have made it clear, if a girl im with dumps me, tells me to leave, i will leave, or let them leave, and i will never chase after them and i will never take them back. of all the things i learned in the miserable hell that was the relationship with ashleigh, learning that walking away when someone dosn't want you is best, was the only thing i am thankful to of learned.
when belinda decided it was over, i didnt chase, instead it broke me inside. cried for 3 days straight, and kept crying till i had nothing left. it broke me so completely that for years after i could not feel, relationships all felt like shadows. i moved from one to the next getting dumped and moving on. looking back, none of them mattered to me, not like they should have at least. they were just the next relationship.
linda was originally just another relationship, a relationship to be in, be dumped from, and move on from, like all the rest. then something happened that i wish didnt. she gave me hope, like maybe i deserved to be better than just a guy someone would pity date till they found better. but she actually made me think that i could be me and someone would love me for it. promised time and time again she wouldnt leave, after all the times she said it, i regret that i let my guard down and believed her.
now, i wan't to build up that defense, be guarded so im not hurt like this again. people don't need to know me, ive been to open and i even trick myself into thinking anyone wants to hear that. people want to hear im ok, they want to hear everything's ok and that is it. no one cares if i succeed in life or am struggling. they want to talk and be heard, no opinions, no real replays, they just want to hear there words back at them. instead of a suggestion, or an idea, or anything to help solve the problem, they just want confirmation that they are right and for someone to say "well what do you think", and tolled to go with that. honestly, i only give that to people i dont care about.